So disgusted by my own body. The footsteps were echoing around the kitchen. I pulled my gown closer to me.
"Gugu Gugu, you have started with our stupid game. I bought flowers for Dumi. They will refresh his room, Gugu am I talking to myself? (Walking to the bedroom. Lightly knocking. She pushed the door) oh my God no (crying) what's happening? What happened?" I wanted to hold those tears so bad but I failed . My heart was breaking piece by piece
"It's Senzo"she ran outside getting her phone and called the police
She hugged me we cried together within thirty minutes the policemen where already in the house
Zodwa walked inside my room with the police officer
"Good day Miss Ndaba, you are Miss Ndaba right?" I nodded
He took out his pad and pen
"Wo
uld you like to file a charge?" Zodwa held my hand tears were flowing effortlessly, my legs were shaking. Being strong was the last thing on my mind
"Yes..yes"
"Where did it happen? And what were you wearing?"
"I .. I was in my bedroom changing. When he walked in I was naked (Zodwa held her hand tightly) changing getting myself ready. Everything happened in my bedroom" he raised his brow
"Are you sure that he raped you?" Fury engulfed me
"What the fuck are you asking? I am fucken sure. Zodwa get him out of here he is here to mock me. Tell him to leave" Zodwa hugged me
"I am sorry ma'am we ask all these questions it is how we do the proper procedure"
The only thing my heart wanted was to hide my shame under my blankets. Senzo had won in humiliating me
"Do you know the perpetrator?"
"Yes (lowering her voice) my boyfriend's little brother. His name is Senzo. (Zodwa handed his picture to the police officer)"
"How did it happen Miss Ndaba?"
"He threatened me with a gun, he slapped me several times" there was still blood in my nose and my body was badly bruised.
" open your gown let me see the bruises (Looking at her bruises made him cringe) wear something we will go to the hospital now. Miss you can come with us"
When we got to the hospital I was taken straight to a doctor.
"Miss Ndaba wait for me I have to complete the rape kit" the doctor took some scrapings under my finger nails, the evidence of sperm from my vagina. The police officer stayed behind I asked Zodwa not to call anyone since I had a feeling that they would want us to solve it as a family.
Then I under went the HIV test. I was given ARVs to drink so that I can be protected from getting the virus, they gave me morning after pills.
Mawe was a crying wreck outside the hospital. Zodwa had called her I looked at her she just shrugged her shoulders
"MaNdaba what's happening to you? (Sitting down crying) what did we do in the past that is making our sins follow our kids. Why didn't it happen to me?"
All I could do was to cry. We drove to Soweto as much as I tried by all means to avoid that place I had no choice but to go with Mawe I needed her more . I was back to square one. Luckily when we got out of the car there were no neighbours . Our house was now bigger because of the money I used to get from Dumi. She prepared a bath for me
His horrifying face was still stuck on the back of my mind. My vagina was on fire.
"I will bath you today my daughter" Mawe's eyes were filled with anger
"Mawe where is Zodwa?"
"She is in the kitchen cooking"
"Where is my son? "
"I called Busi to come and get him. He won't come back anytime soon. You need to heal first"
"What is healing? (Chuckling bitterly) I don't want to heal Mawe. He broke me you should have seen his face. I will never forgive him I swear to God"
"Do I know him?"
"Yes Senzo Zwane, Dumisani's little brother"
"Oh nkosiyami (putting her hands on top of her head) you are never going back to that family we are done with them"
"If only I had waited for Lizwi,Mawe I remember your words everyday"
"No don't do that MaNdaba, we learn from our past "
She helped me get out of the bathtub, my body was sore . We went to the kitchen I ate a little bit although it was hard to swallow after that I drank the pills after.
We went to bed early with Zodwa. I saw him coming carrying a knife.
"No .. no .. stop please" I screamed
Zodwa jumped off the bed and switched on the lights
"He is not here baby (Mawe opened the door) it was a nightmare Mawe" Zodwa
"Zodwa loo at how my daughter is (sobbing) that evil man has robbed her peace. She's slowly dying and I can't save her. What do I do uh? I am so helpless"
"Please be strong for her she needs you more than ever" Zodwa spoke wiping her tears
"I saw him Mawe he was here, please don't switch off the lights'
Mawe slept with us. The following morning Zodwa left early going back to our house.
The following days were so hard. I was going through the acute stage. I was continously vomiting and I was feeling numb.
Mawe called me from my room
"Mawe what do you want? "
"Get up or I will pour cold water on you" I giggled she looked at me smiling
I stood up and wore my gown. When I got to the kitchen the Zwanes were there
"Mawe what do they want. I don't want anything that connects me to them"
"Then give them their grandson they will leave you in peace"
"No Siya is my son"
"Good move your ass and go to them".
Going there was a struggle
"MaNdaba we won't ask you about how you are. It is obvious but please don't punish our son for Senzos deeds" Zwane spoke in a low tone.
The dramatic Makheswa started crying
"Makoti please forgive my son he was bewitched by this other old woman from our community, a sangoma proved it" she was calling me makoti because she wanted a favour.
"Kahle Makheswa you know that your son is not a saint. I will kick you out of this house and speak to Makoti without you" Zwane was getting angry
"But Zwane you know how good Senzo was. He can't die in jail"
"He should die isn't it that he is a rapist. Who rapes her brother's girlfriend he's a satanist a demon" Makheswa just cried.
"I hear you Baba, I don't want anything that will connect me with your family" I spoke to him softly
"But why are we suffering for Senzo's evil deeds. What about Dumi who is fighting for his life. When are we seeing Siya? " I stood up
"I don't mean to disrespect you but I will talk to you when I am ready" Makheswa followed me
"MaNdaba please don't tell Dumi about this he will kill Senzo. I wouldn't want to see my sons killing eachother"
"Really (Laughing) that is what you only care about,what about me?" I walked to my bedroom and closed the door .
THREE MONTHS LATER
I was attending the counselling sessions. I was getting back to my normal self although they were few glitches. The only fear I had was to be alone or to be in a place that has men. Vusi was very supportive Dumi was still in coma
I walked inside the centre, well Dr Khumalo was already waiting for me
"How are you Miss Ndaba? You may sit down"
"I am good Doc and you?"
"I am good, today it's your last session how are you feeling? "
"I am excited, I have been seeing progress in the past weeks" she smiled taking her pen and book
"Do you blame Dumi for the incident that happened to you"
"Yes I blame him, if he had not pursued me in the beginning I wouldn't have been raped by his brother. If he was not in a coma he was going to protect me"
"Do you understand that he is not to be blamed here. You always blame people for your mistakes and it's wrong. You are guilty as him. Why did you agree when he asked you out?"
"I was lonely"
"Do you love him? "
"We have a son together"
"I asked if you love him or not"
"I had always imagined by life with Lizwi"
"Do you still love Lizwi enough to let Dumi go?"
"No"
"Ok do you love Dumi"
"Yes I do"
"I want you to do one more task for me. Go to the hospital and visit him. Tell him about how you feel"
"I will think about it"
"I am giving you a day, we will talk the day after tomorrow. I will personally call you"
"Ok Doc"
"We are done Miss Ndaba, it was nice having you. Feel free to call me if you need anything"
"Thank you doc I will definitely call you".
I was taking a break from praying God had failed me in many parts of my life and Mawe wasn't pushing me to pray. I moved back to my house a month ago, I only sold my products outside the tent in a public place. I passed by fish and chips and bought takeaways. When I got home Mawe was sitting down talking to Zodwa
"Sanibonani"
"Hey Gugu how are you?"
"I am good and you Zodwa?" She stood up taking her purse
"I am good I will be right back I want to buy something at the mall"
"Odwa buy me sweets" Siya spoke in a tiny voice we all laughed
"Ok my husband" she kissed him and let running.
"Mawe how was work?"
"It was ok my dear and your side?"
"I wasn't selling today I had gone to Sandton for my last session"
"Ok that is good, so what happened? "
"I will visit Dumi tomorrow"
"That is a good decision my dear. None of this was his fault"
"I am so nervous Mawe, this whole thing is just too scary (smiling) do you think he has changed, like his face or weight? "
Mawe laughed causing Siya to startle
"Are you expecting me to answer you? Nywe nywe I don't love Dumi anymore mhmm I'm watching you".
Dragging my feet getting off the bed going to the bathroom with my head oozing very hard. This felt like a hangover don't ask me how I know it. I rushed to the toilet seat and vomited, sweat had formed on my forehead. I was going to leave Siya behind, I got ready very fast and went to the kitchen to make food
"Good morning Mawe,how are you?"
"I am good and you my daughter ?"
"I am good, I will leave money for you to do groceries. Please do not get sweets for Siya"
"Ok I won't even if he cries and compares me to Zodwa"
"He is manipulative Mawe runaway from his trap" we both laughed I took an apple from the fridge I had no appetite for breakfast.
Deep down I wasn't ok,my heart was crying out for my lover who was fighting for his life. I took a cab it left me in the hospital
The receptionist smiled at me
"How are you Miss Ndaba? It's been long since we saw you"
"I am good (smiling) and you sisi?"
"Good you may go to his room no one is with him" I took a box of chocolates and gave it to her,she loved things I'm sure it's one of the reasons she got excited when she saw me
"Next time I am bringing you roses" she jumped up and down happily.
"Thank you MaNdaba spoil me I am very single" we both laughed
His room was facing the North it had direct sunlight. He was sleeping peacefully
"Zwane, Mangethe how are you? I am so sorry for not coming to visit you (Holding his hand) . These past months were hard for me, Siya fell and broke his leg at school. It was very bad I nearly lost my mind. I was devastated. I can't afford to lose my two favourite men. Then something happened.. Senzo your little brother raped me, he was holding a gun Dumi I was scared I wanted to die at that moment. He .. he slapped me I was hurt he nearly broke my nose. I got him arrested your mom says I shouldn't tell you because you guys will kill each other. The last thing that I want is to separate siblings since I still have mine (wiping her tears) I doubt you will love me the same way you used to love me and I do not want to be known as the woman who separated brothers. This is the end of the road for us. (Tears came out from Dumisani's eyes). Dumi are you crying? Can you hear me? Please do something" he tightened his grip
" I won't leave you Zwane fight for Siya fight for me my love(kissing his lips)" I left earlier joy had filled my heart. I called Dr Khumalo telling her about Dumi's progress She was so happy. Those were the last step of my healing.
The cab left me at home
"Mawe it smells so nice I am so hungry"
"Stand up and dish for everyone don't forget to include Zodwa's plate"
"Mommy I am tired, I can't even move my hands" She stood up annoyed
"You are very lazy I wonder if you know how to move in bed"
I laughed so much
"Look who is talking? My virgin Mary (Mawe laughed). Ask me how I made that boy Siya, you will be shocked. I might be lazy in everything but not in that department count me out"
we were laughing like crazy people
"Say no more Gugu I don't want to dirty my thoughts. My body is the temple of God"
"Zodwa doesn't lock her room, you may put her food on her TV stand"
"You are drunk Gugu stand up put that food in her room"
We ate making a light conversation. Siya was playing with her food throwing it on the ground
"Hey wena Siya I will beat you up right now stop this nonsense " he started crying
"I want baba" I looked at Mawe she sadly picked him up.Siya was so spoiled and tiring. I took the toys that his father bought him when he was a week. He kept quiet and played with his toys
"Are you full Siya? Don't you want food anymore " He nodded.
After washing dishes Mawe prayed and shared a verse.
"Do not give up on God Gugu he will answer your prayers"
"I will pray when the time is right"
TWO WEEKS LATER
Everybody said I looked like a zombie but I really didn't really care about my looks, all I wanted was my man. My body was slowly giving up on me but I kept pushing on, Vusi was very supportive I was back at church. I haven't had a good night sleep in long time. I couldn't even bring myself to spend time with my son because he reminded me of his father so much the more he grew up was the more he looked like Dumi. I couldn't sit with him without crying. I missed him so much the will of surviving was slowly fading .
It had been 11 months since I received that call about Dumi. Doctors were not giving me any accurate date of him waking up.The family was encouraging me to hold on but MaKheswa was acting like a spoilt brat.With everything that was happening I was getting back to God's embrace I knew that he was my source of strength
"Sisi you need to bath and go to the hospital"
"Mawe I can't. I'm tired of seeing him like that(crying) he looks hopeless .Why won't Dumi wake up Mawe?"
"Sisi you heard what the doctors said, he can hear your voice. You need to go and talk to him, encourage him to wake up. Tell him that he is a conqueror"
Zwane was having tea with Siya
"Your aunt is right maNdaba. My son needs you now more than ever" I didn't even hear MaKheswa walk in
"You need to be strong for your son and your man MaNdaba " she spoke softly you could tell that she was slowly giving up
"I hear you. Ok let me go and prepare myself" I got myself ready, we went to the hospital with Vumani driving us he hardly spoke to me because he was embarassed by the evil deeds of his little brother.
UMangethe wami looked so handsome. His father regularly shaved his beard . I walked closer and sat on the chair next to the bed. I took his hand into mine and my tears just flowed
"Dumi you need to fight for us. Siya is turning two in a couple of weeks and you have to be there. I can't spend time with my child because he looks so much like you it hurts. I miss you. Your parents and your siblings miss you. We all need you. You have to start your businesses, remember how excited you were about starting them. You have to come back and build a legacy for your son. I love you. I need you. Please wake up" I was a sobbing mess. I fell asleep on the chair Bab'Zwane woke me up.
"I'm sorry I fell (rubbing her eyes) asleep"
"You need the rest maNdaba there is no need for you to apologise
He will wake up. He will come back to you"
"When Baba? When? I am tired of people giving me false hope"
"When the time is right, he will wake up" I just nodded
In two days time my boy was turning two. I was happy that Siya was growing and sad because Dumi was still in his coma. There had not been any improvement to his condition and at this point I had lost hope. I wasn't going to throw a party for him, my poor boy missed his dad. He didn't understand why his dad was not waking up. He had even given up on trying to wake him up he often shook him.
It was finally his birthday my baby was turning 2. I got up very early and prepared myself for the day. I woke him up he opened his beautiful eyes yawning
"Happy birthday my boy" he looked at me and giving me his contagious smile. I couldn't help but smile. This right here was my reason for living.
We first went to the hospital to see his father. Siya kissed him sitting on top of him I got the shock of my life he opened his eyes. I ran to the passage screaming for the nurse
"Nurse nurse he has opened his eyes, thank you God.(crying ) Thank you Jesus"
Those who trust in the Lord shall renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles,they will run and not grow weary,they will walk and not faint.
To be continued..
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